I've not written a new blog for a while. No excuse really I just didn't feel up to it. The day after writing the last blog. I asked Andrew to shave all my hair off. It was a very private moment between a husband and his wife. No one was present and we didn't make a big song and dance about it. I told him the time had come. It took about 5 Min's, as there wasn't much left. Afterwards I looked in the mirror, burst into tears and he held me for a while and let me cry.
Later on I showed each child in turn. Kate was fine, but Conor was very upset at first. They've gotten used to it a bit more now - thank god.
Now that I have figured out how to wear a wig so it doesn't fall off, ( I cringe as I remember the second day I wore one and went to get the dustbin in, it was really windy and as it wasn't properly secured the wind took it, thank god no one saw) I am finding it hard wearing one all day, apart from being constantly worried that it looks like a wig and that people are staring, they don't go well with hot flushes, I want to fling it off as soon as one starts which usually happen at the most impromtu moments. I also find them itchy and I have formed a bad habit of scratching underneath them. I could be walking round the shops or in a restaurant and if anyone looks over at the wrong time - well lets just say, I need to remind myself to stop fiddling.
For instance on Thursday I went to the chemo suite to have my line flush, and a blood clotting agent put in. I still feel uneasy about going out on my own, so as my daughter was on a day off from college she came with me. In the car on the way home she told me off, " Mum stop pulling at your your wig and scratching people can see you" sure enough a man and his wife in the car next to me were staring in wonderment. I smiled and stopped.
When I'm at home, I either wear a chemo hat, I have one in red and one in green, believe me they are not flattering, or a hat of some sort. Scarves I can't seem to get on with, but it's not unusual for me to be wearing a wig one minute, a scarf the next, then a hat the next, then back on with the wig.
As I now have three wigs I can pick and choose, so now I have adjusted them so they actually fit on my head properly and had them all cut so they sit better. I feel happier that they're not as Andrew puts it ...... so syrupified. Although I am convinced that people are still looking at me I have been brave and gone out on my own a few times. So I'll get there.
I've also spent a small fortune in hair accessories. Its just not me to plonk one on my head and that's it. No I've managed a low ponytail, backcombing, clippings, slides etc. Anything to make it look like its me in the mirror. I am getting used to drawing in eyebrows, mascaraing diminished eyelashes - and actually I don't look too bad!
After chemo this time I have to say I felt terrible. For the first couple of days I felt okay, then as the days went on it got worse. Having to inject my stomach and take all the tablets was a real chore. I just didn't realise how sick and low I would feel. On pancake day in between tossing pancakes I felt so ill that I had to keep putting my head on the kitchen counter then step out into the cold just to keep me upright. On Wednesday I worked all day at the computer and just had to work my way through the sickness. Valentine's day I was running up and down the stairs to the toilet in between courses. Knocking back indigestion tablets in between mouthfuls of food. Friday my friends birthday I couldn't face food but knew I had to eat something otherwise the sick feeling would set in again. I took ages to select my food, then when it came I picked at it before announcing I had to go home.
Sitting in my pyjamas with a hat and my hood up on my dressing gown had become my favourite outfit.
Then yesterday morning I got up to spend a much needed weekend away with my husband and amazingly I didn't feel too bad. Not 100% but hey we can't have everything can we? I had booked a pre birthday/post valentine weekend away for him and me. Do you know what we had a brilliant time. We had a good drink, a fantastic meal and a wonderful 4 poster bed.
I managed to look okay in my wig and hoped no one noticed that that's exactly what it was. In the evening when we went out for dinner, I had bought a new dress that hid my PICC line. Wore a long wig and my husband stepped out of the shower and said " wow" I thought ' Wendie you've still got it'.
Later that night - and not wanting to go into too much detail, I had a case of - wig on, wig off?
I mean what has everyone else done in this situation? You know - your about to have an intimate time and do you keep the wig on and hope in all the tousling its doesn't fall off, or fall over your eyes? Or do you take your wig off and hope your partner still fancies you? Do you wear a hat that's a bit sparkly - to show you made the effort. One that matches your underwear? I mean what? We discussed it for ages, hubby told me it didn't matter to him either way he loved me. I tighten the wig and prayed it would hold on. Then I thought about it some more, I mean what if I had a hot flush in the middle of it, the wig would have to come off then? In between the fact that we have to be careful of everything on my right side especially my new boob and my PICC line on my left arm. Here we were with another spanner in the works.
So in between the latest dilimmas I'm feel much better and things are on the up. Yes I know my next chemo will be soon and I will feel terrible again, but you know at the moment I'm feeling good and I'll take that and make the most of it.