Today was the day that I had to go back for another ultrasound to see if the cancer had spread. Andrew came with me and while we were in the car he asked me if I was okay. I answered him truthfully - I really was. I dressed to the nines with full make up and blow dried hair ready to do battle, I wasn't going to give cancer too much of my time today as it was my son's 15th Birthday. He was more important.
After we booked in and I put on the lovely NHS gown that I did remark as I walked into the room, how well it went with my blue tights and high heeled boots. I was full of joviality.
Things started off well, the consultant scanned my boob and my armpit and basically asked me if I has discussed anything with Mr Charfare my consultant. I admitted that yes I did know I had a tumour and that it was cancer, I told him that we had touched on discussing my options, but he wanted a second opinion on my armpit. Basically my lymph nodes.
Without a local he put a needle into my armpit into the lymph node as we continued our discussion. I told him that I had decided on a full mastectomy as I wanted to avoid chemotherapy. He told me that he thought there was no reason to take another biopsy from the other side of my breast then if I was going down this route. Then it hit me BAM - I was discussing having my breast removed, my nipple had a tumour attached to it, so this had to go, there was a distinct possibility that I would have to shrink the tumour through chemo and a good chance that the cancer was all over my breast and had seeped into my lymph nodes. Here was I as cool as a cucumber discussing cancer treatment like I was choosing what to have from a menu to compliment the wine, confirming that my wishes were to remove my boob completely and have a reconstruction.
I asked for water as I felt that I wanted to faint, voices were coming from far away still talking about cancer, my options - what fucking options? I had cancer whether I liked it or not. The nurse came with me as I struggled to leave the room, I told her I needed to go to the toilet I could barely stand. She took me into the hallway and I put my head between my legs and prayed for the room spinning to stop. After a while I took myself off to the toilet where I looked into the long mirror at myself. I gave myself a good talking too, told myself to shape up, this was nothing compared to what I had to go through. For god sake if I couldn't manage a small needle, how was I going to cope with everything else that was chucked at me.
I went back into the room has a biopsy of the other side of my boob, came out booked an appointment for Friday. I then told my husband we were going to go shopping to get my son his favourite dinner for tonights birthday tea and a bloody great big chocolate birthday cake. Panic over!