This morning after another sleepless night I found it extremely difficult getting out of the bed. Don't get me wrong I'm a miserable cow first thing in the morning any way, but this was not a morning like that, this was like I had flu. Even brushing my hair was a monumental task.
I decided that I was going to sit on the sofa and have a do nothing day, and what did that bring me - guilt! Guilt that I hadn't done anything and believe me there's a long list. Lets take for instance Christmas - I've bought 2 presents. Normally I'd have got the lot by now. My daughter has her birthday the week before Christmas and I haven't even got her a card yet. I have, however got my mother in laws present, unfortunately we've had to cancel all the plans that were made for her - its her 70th, as I go into hospital that same weekend. How inconsiderate of me!
Another round of guilt that keeps me awake at night is, who's going to cook the Christmas dinner? My family have all said don't worry about it this year, just have the four of you and the cat, the kids are older now so they won't mind. This has made me really angry. Even though they are 15 and nearly 17. I still love to carry out all the little traditions. Stockings left on the bed, wrapping the presents to match the colour of the tree (yes sad I know) Cooking eggs benedict and serving bucks fizz for breakfast. The list goes on. It even includes shouting up the stairs every half an hour on Christmas Eve whereabouts in the world Santa is as I follow him on Google. The kids obviously just raise their eyebrows at me. We've had the same conversation for the last couple of years. "Mum you know there's no Father Christmas don't you?" Me " Well then you won't get any present will you! You know he'll use his magic key to get in the house to leave them" At which point, including my husband they laugh quietly and let me get on with it. The truth is Christmas is precious in my house, its a time for friends to come round Christmas Eve for a mulled wine 'home made' mince pies and shortbread. How the bugger am I going to pull that off this year? Andrew says the same thing to me over and over. " Don't worry about it just concentrate on getting yourself better, the kids and I will sort everything out" this makes me even more worried, poor Andrew and the kids how will they cope. I need to be able to support them, how can I put them through this again. Unfortunately, I am a control freak. When I had my last operation I came home and started mopping the kitchen floor. So there is no hope for me really.
One thing I have let go of (sort off) is decorating the Christmas tree. When I told Andrew and the kids that it would be really nice if they put it up whilst I was in hospital, they all just looked at me - " Mum you are joking, you'll only come home and moan that we hadn't done it property and change it" I said " No I wouldn't" but I know and they know that I would, when no ones looking obviously. That's why every year they put balls and other decorations on my gorgeous work of art, that don't match my colour scheme and I know they do it. They all sit around sniggering, as I moan " who put the gold/silver/red ball on there?"
So this time I plead " Can't you just do this one thing for me this year and match the tree in - please, I've got Breast cancer" but no they still snigger, pat me on the head (my son) and say " course we will" whilst exchanging smirking glances. So even that's going to keep me awake at night now!
Other things that keep me awake apart from - has the cancer spread? Do they really have to take my breast off, can't they just zap it?............ and that all time classic..... are they sure I've got cancer maybe they've got it wrong? All mingle in together along with the should I be eating or drinking that? Will drinking coffee, eating red meat etc. make it spread? So all this waiting around is excruciating. I've got another three weeks yet.
Trying to act normal and continue to work is difficult, yesterday, I went to see someone - suited and booted as usual, to give them a proposal on some events they'd like me to do. Do they know, I think? Are they not going give me the job because they think I won't be able to handle it in-between all the treatment? After all who would hire a woman waiting to have treatment for breast cancer? Then, I think am I kidding myself here, am I going to be able to handle it? I've already put my life on hold before, but didn't I read somewhere that the hospital can fit my chemotherapy and radiotherapy in around my work? Or did I just make that up? What if Andrew isn't busy how are we going to survive money wise? Round and round my head go these questions as I lay there at night.....but maybe the biggest thing that worries me and its really petty but I don't care I can't help worrying about it is - if I put on weight or lose it, will my new boob stay the same? Or will it grow and shrink the same as the other one? After all when I lose weight or put it on, my boobs are the first place to show. Especially when I put on weight and stand in front of my husband, you can see the pure delight in his eyes as I say " My god my boobs are huge." " Yep" he says like the cat that's got the cream..............